I have a Mental Illness, in fact I think I have a few.  That is scary but not as scary as I once thought.  When I was an ignorant child, I used to believe that Mentally ill meant that you become lost in yourself, that you never knew who you were or who your loved one were or anything, that you lost all sense of reality.  That thought terrified me and before I sat down to write this blog, I thought that description was way off, thankfully.  But...the more I write each word down, the more I realise that I wasn't far wrong.  I have become lost within myself, my illness has changed me into scared child who needs the comfort of those around me.  It's as if I need constant reassurance on everything, not only that but I have forgotten how to be me.  The old me, the one I knew well and loved has disappeared, she has been overtaken by this new morbidly pathetic shadow of what I once was.

There are many great traits that the new me has, I have matured, I have learnt a lot of life's lessons that has made me more accepting, compassionate, less judgemental and I love this part of the new me, but I want the old me back.  The one that hardly ever questioned anything, she just got on with things, had fun, lived a little and was so confident. I now live in habit, I have lived as this alien being for so long that Anne 1 has slowly slipped under and is no where to be seen.  I have forgotten how to be me and I don't even know how to get a little bit of her back. I remember who I was and I want her back, I remember who my loved ones are yet the mature version questions loyalties and decisions.  I have become very pessimistic in that I have lost my faith in Mankind, I have become a HUGE Social phobic and feel that I hate people, when in truth I need people, I just hate that people are not as honest or as moralistic as I perhaps think they should be and this is sad.  I am not sure if it is sad for me or for mankind in general as my image of them is very low.  I don't know what to do or where to start in imporving this, all I know is something definitely needs to change and I hope it does soon.